Ice Rainbows and Eagles

Photo credit

I left the house this morning in a bit of a rush, having remembered at the last second – which is typical for me – that the gas level in my car was  low and I wasn't sure if I would make it all the way in without stopping.   I had to sacrifice making a lunch in order to leave 10 minutes early, which would have given me plenty of time to stop if I needed to.  I had about 20 miles left to go when my car dinged to tell me that I really should consider Refueling.  There was a gas station about 5 miles up the road, and while prices are typically more expensive there than where I work, I decided that since Car was dinging with possibly more than  20 miles left before I reached my destination, and with the temperature gauge on the dash reading a balmy 1°, I better pull in and fill up.

As I pulled up to a pump I ignored a small feeling that I should move to another one.  It would prove to be a mistake (or would it?).  I quickly stopped the car, turned off the engine and jumped out to start the fueling process.  I tried not to think about the bitter cold that made it feel as though the layers of skin on my face and hands were stripped away as I fumbled out my card and swiped it into the machine.  The display was taking a long time to load up due to the sub-zero wind chill temperatures; I had my hands jammed into my coat pockets and was doing a tiny holy-shit-I-am-cold dance while my eyes bored holes into the screen.  Slowly it revealed the next step of instructions for me to enter thy pass code to proceed.  I started to punch in the numbers, and even though I heard it beep it did not display the asterisk on the screen serving as my visual confirmation of acceptance.  The cold.  The damn cold.  I continued on, trusting the beeps, and when I hit the ENTER button I found that it was frozen solid.  It would NOT budge.

Rather than accept the fact that the button was not working, my slight OCD kicked in and I continued to feebly smash my finger down onto the accursed thing for about a minute, mumbling to myself about my luck and why the hell did the damn thing have to be frozen.  I did not want to admit defeat.  Finally a voice popped into my head telling me that I really needed to hurry it up because my window of time that I had before being late for work was closing.  I walked to the other side of the pump to check that ENTER button, a fleeting thought crossing my mind that maybe every ENTER button was frozen in a ploy by the gas station to get you come inside, but that was functioning as smoothly as ever. 

I hopped in my car and pulled around to the other side of the pumps.  The display on the new pump seemed to be working a little better, and I thought I was on track again.  After punching in my code I grabbed the gas nozzle and put it in the tank, waiting for the “One moment please….” to disappear and be replaced with whatever the next phrase is (now that I think about it, I'm not sure I've ever really paid attention to what that actually is).  After 3 minutes, with the phrase still on the screen, and my patience level rapidly falling, it finally disappeared and told me that I needed to “See the Cashier”. 

I yelled a choice phrase at the machine, turned and speed walked into the building.  The cashier was finishing up with a customer but she must have read something in my face because she warily asked me right away how she could help.  My voice catching in desperation I blurted out that the pump was telling me to see the cashier and I really needed to get to work.  She told me that it hadn’t read my card, so I exasperatedly told her to just put $10 on the pump as I waived my card at her.  She then asked if the nozzle was off the handle, and I said yes… to which she responded that she wouldn't be able to put a pre-paid amount on the pump if the nozzle was not hung up. 

It was too much.  The culmination of the events just frayed too much on my nerves and I snapped.  I abruptly turned away from her, dropping a “Mother F*cker” bomb as I stormed out the door.  I never do that.  Ever.  While those close to me know that F*ck is actually a favorite word of mine that I use quite frequently, I am very conscious of when and where I use it, and who I am around.  I never want to be the cause of making anyone feel uncomfortable, and so I conduct myself in public very tactfully.  Except for that moment.

I reached the pump and was at this point seeing the world through a haze of red rage.  I swiped my card back through the reader and fortunately this time it read (very fortunate, because I likely would have imploded if it hadn’t).  The $10 put on by the cashier had applied, and so I began to pump the gas, willing it to go as fast as possible.  Once it reached the $9 mark it slowed to a snail crawl.  I started yelling at the thing, knowing there was nothing I could do but feeling like if I yelled it would make me feel better.  It didn’t.  It just fed the rage.  Finally the mark hit $10 and I sealed everything up to hop in the car and get the hell on the road.

I had enough sense to know that I didn’t want to tear ass out of the gas station and put anyone at risk, so I did sanely drive to the main road.  I looked at the clock to see that 15 minutes had gone by.  I was now officially running 5 minutes late.  I was seething with anger, questioning why the series of events had to unfold the way they did, thinking that if I would have just pulled up to a different pump, none of this would have happened and I’d be on time. 

There I was, holding on to and continuously feeding these negative and defeatists notions, when I happened to look out the driver’s side window.  I was met with an absolutely beautiful ice rainbow in the sky.  In that moment all of the negative feelings washed away, and I was left with that sense of awe that I always feel when looking out at the beauty of Nature.  I took in the rolling fields and distant tree lined horizon, the rising sun, the beautiful pale blue winter sky, and the ice rainbow, shining in its brilliance, reminding me in its soft, subtle way that life is better when you smile.

I was able then to laugh at myself and the situation I’d just gone through.  I felt chagrin at having lost it in the station and I mentally apologized to the cashier.  I recognized that I was the owner of my reactions, and I was choosing to be negative.  I did not want that – I do not like to be angry.  And so I stopped.  I smiled at the rainbow, and I continued on my way, lighter and fuller.

When lunch time came I left to go grab a sandwich and fill up the rest of my tank.  When I pulled into the gas station I saw that every single pump had an “out of service” bag on it.  Every single one.  I didn’t even get angry, just accepted that I’d have to get gas on the way home instead.  I walked in to get my Subway veggie sandwich, and saw that their credit card machine was down and they were only able to accept cash.  At that I slightly faltered, wondering where I was going to go for food (you may recall that I’m a vegetarian working in a slightly remote, very fried-meat-food oriented area), when I remembered these little machines called ATMs and saw there was one in the corner, happily functioning.  I got my sandwich, smiled to all the workers, and tried my best to project positivity, knowing that with the credit card machine down and none of the pumps working they were being met with enough negatives.

As I pulled away and headed back toward work, a large bird flying in the sky caught my attention.  At first I thought it was a crow, but as I neared it I saw that it was way too big to be one.  I had just gotten alongside it when it dipped its body toward me and I was able to see its white head.  A Bald Eagle.  I knew then without a doubt that the events of today were lessons, and I had soared through them with the sun on my face and the wind dancing in my hair.

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Remember that life is what we make it.  We choose how we react and how we chose perpetuates our environment.  How will you choose?  Will you be a victim, or will you be a survivor?

Stormily Yours, with much Love and Light!

Bec*

The Power of an Eclipse (and other happenings)

I started writing this post a while ago but got distracted and never returned to it.  It's been a while since my last post too, and to be honest I just haven't been inspired to write.  It's the same thing with having taken off so many years writing stories... I see a blank page and I get so intimidated.  It used to be that I could sit down and channel the words through my fingers and on to the screen.  But for some reason that ability seems to have gone dormant.

As I mentioned in my welcoming post, part of the purpose for starting this blog was to share some of my spiritual journey with the anonymous reader, with the intention that another soul who may be on the same journey can find some solace.  I am feeling compelled to write, and the subject of this post will be some of the things that have happened to me in the last few months.

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Back in May part of the world was subject to one of the most awe-inspiring event we can witness.... a Solar Eclipse.  Solar Eclipses are so rare, that when we are blessed by the arrival of one, it is hard to not feel the power, the amazement, the chill - the ancient sentiment that came when our Sun's glorious might was covered by the shadow of the Moon.  That Sunday's eclipse was partial, and so the Moon's position was not quite close enough to completely block the Sun, an event that causes twilight in the middle of daylight, and I can only image how our ancient ancestors must have reacted when that happened....  But an annular eclipse is no less spectacular, creating a "ring of fire" around the Moon as it positions itself directly between the Sun and the Earth. 

Solar Eclipses are quite powerful, and in spiritual circles it is believed that their energy can be harnessed to help with one's personal goals.  I have always been prone to feeling energy shifts - when I was younger I always called it "feeling the history of a place" - and with this year marking a resurgence in my spiritual journey, I decided to take advantage of this momentous occasion, and made a list of Solar Eclipse Intentions that I focused on during the time when the energy was highest. 

One of the items on my list was to establish a routine in the morning.  I have never been a morning person, even though I love the energy of mornings.  I love my dreams, and in the mornings where I am snoozing between alarm clocks beeps, my dreams are always intensified and I'm able to remember them better.  It's hard to get out of bed when I can close my eyes and fly.

The morning after that eclipse the alarm clock on my phone started to go off.  I lazily reached over to turn it off, when I discovered it was not on the nightstand that I always put it.  In the foggy grog of sleepiness, I started feeling around on the floor, thinking it might have got knocked off.  I could not find the phone, and the shrill buzzing had started to get the best of me.  I sat up, turned on my light, and found the phone.  Five feet away.  On the ground.  Still attached to the charger.  Yet the charger was no longer attached to the outlet.  Some how, during the night, the charger on my phone became detached from the wall outlet, and my phone, while still connected to the cord, ended up five feet away from my nightstand.  Just far enough away to where I had to get out of bed to turn the alarm off.  I do not know how this happened, but that morning, I stared at the phone, my jaw dropped, and knew in my heart this was a sign.  I got out of bed, did a yoga routine, and had enough time to take my dog for a walk.

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For as long as I can remember I have been going to forest preserves to walk, hike, read, and sometimes just to sit.  I love nature; the smells, the sounds, the color, the energy.... If I could spend my whole day outside I would be happier for it.  It is especially therapeutic for me to get out into nature and re-energize when I spend 9 hours a day in an office for work, and so anytime I start a new job I always look for a place where I can go, and luckily I've always been able to find a place. 

Where I am at now I found a state park that was almost abandoned a few years ago due to lack of funding.  It remained open, but most of the areas are closed off and unmaintained.  This is perfect for me - the park is an absolute jewel in my eyes.  Not only can I go to a forest that is more wild for being untamed, but since so few ever go, I can usually go with the benefit of being alone. 

For the last few months I have been visiting one area in particular, which is close to the river and surrounded by towering oak, walnut and maple trees.  I go here to sit by rivers edge and breath in deep with my eyes closed.  If I am lucky there will be a soft breeze, so not only do I feel it across my face, but hear the wind through the trees, one of my favorite sounds. 

When I visited the spot yesterday, I realized that all my time coming to the river's edge, I'd never once seen a fish.  I love to spot fish in the water, and so this particular time I said "if Spirit is with my I'll see a fish."  Not even two minutes after saying that, a huge carp swam right up to the river's edge, right in front of me.  He swam around, looking for food on the rocks, the disappeared back in to the river depths.  And behind him?  Another carp, smaller this time.  I smiled, feeling the energy with me, knowing that I was connected to it all.  I breathed in a few more times, enjoying the moment.  When I opened my eyes again, I looked to the river, and again I saw fish.  This time there were four different little schools of tiny minnows, swimming close to the surface, feeding off bugs who were unfortunate enough to land near them.  It was incredible - after all this time of never seeing any fish, here I ask to see them as a sign that I was not alone, and there they were.

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When people start to open their mind and soul to the Universe around them (to God/religion/spirituality), very often phenomenons begin to happen which will have some people labeling "paranormal", and others to just ignore and pretend it didn't happen.  I have also been an open person, and throughout the years I seem to go through periods where things happen to me more often than not.  One of these happenings is hearing voices that are in my head - but outside of mind, if you can grasp that.  There was one period in time where this was happening so often I began to wonder if I had brought a spirit home with me on one of my paranormal investigations.  It has been a while since this has happened, but it just did Tuesday morning.  I was laying in bed, and had turned off my alarm, but kept my eyes closed, thinking I'd get up in a couple seconds.  I fell asleep.  I needed to get up early that morning because I had to be at work early.  The next thing I know, I heard a male voice seemingly yell right in to my ear "BECKY!!"  It was so loud that it scared me and set my heart racing.  I sat up straight and looked around, wondering if it was my husband.  But he was long gone, having already left for work.  I realized then that I'd fallen asleep with my alarm clock off, and dreaded looking at the time.  Only two minutes had gone by.

Through intuition, meditation, and spiritual readings I have discovered that one of my spirit guides (I have two) is male.  He is my main guide, the one whose presence I often feel.  I believe it was he who screamed in my ear to wake me up. 

On a side note, my other guide is female.  She is younger, childlike, and I believe it is her whose voice I always catch on my EVP records (I always have a young girl's voice on all my investigations - but that's another post, for another time).

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And finally for tonight's post, something that recently happened, that I didn't even really realize until I started writing this and had looked back at my Solar Eclipse Intentions List.  I had not looked at this list since I wrote it back in May.  The first thing on the it is Health.  I am a drinking smoker, and it's something I've always wanted to give up.  I've also always talked about exercising more, but aside from walking my dog every day, my workouts are very sporadic.  Earlier last month I had a scare with some weird head and vision issues.  I went to the doctor to find that my optic nerves are swollen.  I am still in the process of ruling things out and getting formal diagnosis, but right now my doctors believed that I have IIH (idiopathic intracranial hypertension).  While it is a relatively rare affliction and little is known about it, studies have shown that if weight is lost in those that are overweight, the pressure will abate and symptoms regress.  That was all I needed to hear.  Since then I have quit smoking, stopped drinking (only because drinking was starting to make me get instant headaches - plus when you're a drinking smoker, eliminating the catalyst is a good way to quit), and I've been working out every day.  Even though I am scared of what is going on, I am happy that Health has been brought to the forefront of my mind, and I'm using that energy to assist with my goals.

And this morning when I was laying in bed, trying to will myself to get out of bed, I looked at the clock and saw that it was 5:55am.  5-5-5 is an angelic number said to signify changes in your life.  I believe it was right on cue.

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For those that stuck with me to the end here, thank you for reading!  I hope that my sharing some of these experiences has helped you in some way.

Stormily Yours, With Love ~
B*

My Road to Vegetarianism (a processed-food girl's journey)

The start of 2012 marked a significant change in my life.  I finally made the move to a primarily vegetarian lifestyle, after what had been years of gearing up to it.  Once I finally made the change, I found that it's not so hard, nor boring.

I, like many other Americans, was raised with a "meat and potatoes" diet concept.  A meal was not complete nor optimally nutritious without some form of animal meat product.  This conditioning was so fundamental that it continued even as I grew older and my philosophical outlook evolved to that of living compassionately and respectfully with regards to all life on Earth.  I still looked at nutrition through the veil of "common knowledge."  What also was not helping was my lack of experience in the plant-based world.  I knew the basics but never branched out beyond, and when I started to explore the option of a vegetarian lifestyle, I always shunned away believing that I didn't like vegetables enough, and how would I ever survive?

As the years went by I continued to evolve.  I questioned more and did my own research.  I was eventually led to the documentary Food, Inc., which opened my eyes to Factory Farming, a concept I had never even heard of, and surprising enough, where my food came from and how it was prepared was something I never really thought about.  In this area I followed the "ignorance is bliss" motto, and tried to not think about how the meat in my meals came to the plate. 

After watching Food Inc. I changed how I bought meat.  I will admit that although I tried very hard to buy meat from family, sustainable, and organic farms, I was not always consistent.  I still ate fast food once or twice a month because I was "in a hurry" or needed that hangover "cure-all": grease.  I would sometimes buy cheaper meat cuts with the qualifier that I was on a budget and needed to watch my spending habits.  When going out to eat I wouldn't even think to consider vegetarian options, because I was in the mindset that with the amount I was spending on a meal, I might as well "make it worth the money."  I had so many "conventional wisdom" beliefs going on in my mind and I never thought to bring them closer to examine for myself.

This all started changing for me last year.  I don't know what happened to spark it, but I began to shed those "conventional wisdom" beliefs and "common knowledge" ideas.  I began looking more towards myself for answers.  One of the areas that I started looking at was health, and how the saying that "you are what you eat" was ringing absolutely true.  I have struggled with my weight and energy level for years, and finally had come far enough in the "evolution of me" to look at my lifestyle and see where I could improve and outright remove damaging habits.  This thinking eventually led me to two additional documentaries: Food Matters and Forks Over Knives.  Both documentaries explore the benefits of a whole food, plant-based diet, eliminating processed foods and greatly reducing (if not removing completely) animal protein.  Without going in to much detail about what these documentaries are all about (I've linked the websites so you can explore on your own), after watching both of them I decided that enough was enough.  I had been seeing so much pointing in this direction already that it was time for me to make the lifestyle change I truly feel I've always been meant to do.

I will not lie - it is not always easy.  You have to be motivated to prep food, and since I was raised in a processed food world, this has been an obstacle for me.  It's so much easier to grab a box of Cheez-its or throw a frozen meal in the microwave than to bust out and start chopping all the ingredients to a big salad.  I still do eat some processed foods, but I have greatly reduced the amount and 80% of my nutrition now comes from whole grain, plant-based sources.  I have also found that by spending a couple hours on Sunday I can prep all my veggies for the week, making it easy to make my lunches and speeds up dinner.  And much to my delight my love of learning has translated into having a blast researching vegetarian recipes, cooking styles, and foods that I had never heard of or tried before.

Surprisingly,  after a few weeks of baby steps, meat was the easiest thing to eliminate.  I have reworked my mind enough that when I think of meat, I think of the animal it was and what it went through, and that is enough for me to be completely turned off.  I say I live a primarily vegetarian lifestyle because at the moment I still eat fish and seafood, but I do aim to remove that from my diet altogether.  I do not stress myself over it, however, because stress is so detrimental and I know that my changes so far have already had a huge impact not only on my spiritual being, but the environment as well.

It is a learning process, as with many things once you awaken your mind and start paying attention.  I still have problems with energy levels after I eat certain things, so I am learning to determine what causes those and try to adjust where needed.  My husband is also not a vegetarian - nor would I ever force him to be - so it is a challenge to find recipes that he will also enjoy with me.  I am very lucky that he is super supportive of my decision, and he welcomes the idea of eating healthier.  He is more than willing to eat the dinners I create - or at least try them - and so far everything I have made has been a success with him, so I'm happy about that!  Even though I am still learning and the change has not been easy, the benefits I've seen so far have confirmed my decision.  I feel lighter, healthier, and I've saved about 25% in my weekly trips to the grocery stores!

***This entry chronicles my journey into a significant lifestyle change.  I would never force my views or opinions on to anyone else, but I do encourage everyone to take a moment to look into these matters and do some of your own research, so that you can make an educated decision for yourself. ***